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The Onion Brings you Today Now! Wake up with Jim Haggerty and Tracy Gill, hosts of America’s favorite morning show, and learn why every morning is a good morning on Today Now!

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Millions Irrationally Feared Dead In Minor Train Accident 00:02:49
Chinese Gossip Blogger Fights For Freedom To Post Celebrity Up-Skirt Photos 00:01:54
How To Get A Guy To Notice You While You're Having Sex With Him 00:02:39
Today Now! Interviews The 5-Year-Old Screenwriter Of "Fast Five" 00:02:17
Missing Teen's Friends Go On TV To Plead For Her Release, Gossip About Ugly Classmates 00:03:05
Today Now!: Save Money By Taking A Vacation Entirely In Your Mind 00:02:27
Dead Wife And Kids Replaced By Miniature Horses 00:02:49
Boy Loses Leg In Totally Awesome Shark Attack 00:02:25
Woman Sets Record For Longest Amount Of Time Spent Talking About Oneself 00:02:36
'Cosmopolitan' Institute Completes Decades-Long Study On How To Please Your Man 00:01:58
FCC Okays Nudity On TV If Its Alyson Hannigan 00:02:54
Disney Lab Unveils Its Latest Line Of Genetically Engineered Child Stars 00:02:32
Age-Progression Technology Indicates Missing Child A Prostitute By Now 00:02:49
Medical Miracle: Man Lives Thanks To Heart Stolen From Dead Man 00:02:49
Medium Channels The Spirits Of Old Acquaintances For Awkward Small Talk 00:03:05

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